shera.me

This paranoia, this insecurity, this… unhappiness. What am I supposed to do? I can’t tell myself to be happy when I am clearly not happy. Why can’t I just let go?

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I know that. It’s not that I don’t know. But each day that passes my happiness level goes down a step. I don’t even remember when was the last time that I was legitimately happy. I don’t even know what happiness means anymore.

This relationship is stressing me out to a point that I’m almost ready to give up. But I know deep down that if I give it up, I’m also giving up the best person to ever appear in my life. But I can’t go on living a life in which I’m so miserable. I can’t go on living a life in which even reassurances no longer work. I need a relationship that fulfills what I want, and need, not just one sided. I’ve been trying to make him happy; happy to the point that even if it makes me miserable I don’t give a crap anymore. But it seems that everything he’s been doing makes me miserable. Nothing he does seems to make me happy anymore.

Is this where I should draw the line? I had my happy times, and good memories. Should I just call it quits?

It has been incredibly tempting, but I also know that it’s completely my problem that I am unable to let go. But I’m not the kind of person who just “lets go”. I can’t live and let live. Many, many things make me unhappy, and I too have the bad habit of making myself unhappy. But the thing is I can’t see the positive side of things anymore. Nothing is positive. Everything just makes me incredibly depressed, and the more things happen, or go on, the worse things become. Everything is linked, everything is related. Everything he does, or does not do, only makes me remember, makes me more sad, makes me more unhappy.

There are so many things I wish I could erase, and forget. There are so many times I wish I can turn time back to.